Celtic Phoenix Blogspot

Ever heard of contrition? No, neither had I until after I had reached the very depths of my existence. I had come to a point in my life where it was time to die or time to start living. Now that would be a pretty simple choice for some, either way; for me it was somewhat more difficult. In my mind I was being given the choice to die and save the lives of all my loved ones, or, live and face a very nasty demise at the hands of some very professional evil people. All of this was in my mind of course, or that’s what the medical people told me.

I chose to fight for life and face the consequences; I had no idea what lay in store for me. I had already been through a certain paranoia whereby every picture, every sign spoke directly to me. That was true fear I felt, the essence of fear is when you believe you are being hunted down by unknown attackers and you run for your life. When the running stops because you can run no-more, a feeling of abject acceptance takes over; you no longer care what happens to you. You just hope the end will come soon and painless.

At times during the running, I sought solace at various religious establishments; in the grounds hiding, quivering praying. An avid atheist for my entire life I had resorted to the one superstition I had actively derided for nearly forty years. I eventually made my to way to a brother’s house and that’s when i was taken to the hospital.

Of course I thought this was all a part of the conspiracy and that i was there to die; in a most gruesome way of course. This turned out not to be the case although that feeling took some time to wear off; three months to be exact. In that three months I went thorough ‘the dark night of the soul’ or ‘contrition’ or whatever else you may wish to call it.

I went through in mind every wrong thing I ever did, i felt the guilt and remorse for every action that may or may not have caused others a wrong. Minor misdemeanours were shown to me in their full extent and the wholeness of the wrongs they could have caused. My lifetime was placed before me in the sleepless nights in it’s entirety; I was shown the error of my ways.

In that pleasant unit I met some very scary people; they where however quite brilliant and essential at the same time. Some, including the staff, were capable of supernatural acts like mind-reading, speaking without their mouths moving; that sort of thing. The mind is an incredible thing, but, it was very real to me.

From that time i have lived my life in a progressive manner; everything is in  black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.Honesty is easy for me, I have redeveloped my personal relationships that I had almost destroyed with my former chaotic lifestyle. I am humble. I realise that the world is bigger than me and that it does not revolve around me. I have gained a certain degree of spirituality although not fallen for any form of religious dogma. I am a seeker of the truth, whatever that truth maybe. I love life and accept whatever it has in store for me.

Brief period of insanity or something more? I’ll let you decide.